The expression ‘basic’ took hold in 2019 and I think it must have been coined by someone who had spent a significant amount of time on dating apps.  Why is everyone so eerily similar? If you are a single man aged between 25-44, you must be a fan of the following: sport (ideally something ‘impressive’, so you can take a picture of yourself having completed the Iron Man, Tough Mudder, a long cycle ride in the alps), dogs, beers with the lads and the occasional festival. A few variables may change, but dating online has begun to feel like groundhog day.

I don’t want to be the purveyor of bad news but it feels like it is slim pickings out there at least if we’re judging on images alone, which let’s face it, we are.

So for all the men out there, here are some of the most repeated offensive items in my feed, accompanied with a plea to desist:

• A blurry image, taken some time in 2008, with new rave sunglasses, gelled hair isn’t going to cut it in 2020. These are far too common, followed by another which clearly shows quite how much you have changed. 
• The carefully posed-for wedding photo giving the best man’s speech. The blueprint of any self respecting male. It tells this woman, I’m a bloody good lad, and I was the best man once and organised the ridiculous piss up.   
• Then there is the photo with the baby which says ‘I’ve got a sensitive side’ and you’re marriage material. Or alternatively for the more cynical, it just says I’ve got a nephew and I held him once. 
• The sport photo. I’m not impressed by a picture of you in lycra.
• Everyone likes dogs. And jogs. And ‘lazy sundays’. 
• The selfie with your top off in the mirror. I don’t need to explain why this is not ok.
• The one with your back turned. Or with a mask on. Or in a group with 20 other lads on a stag.
• A video of you playing the guitar and crooning.  
• And please don’t answer the question ‘most spontaneous thing I’ve ever done’ with ‘booked a flight to somewhere at a moment’s notice’. I’ve read this sentence 20 times.
• Anyone who describes themselves as “funny” usually isn’t. 
• And everyone is looking for someone who ‘doesn’t take themselves too seriously.’

A writer for the Sunday times recently admitted, I’ve often rejected men for details that may well be irrelevant to the overall tapestry of their personality: because they’d taken a selfie at the gym; because they’d used “your” instead of “you’re”; because their pictures were full of guffawing, champagne-drinking men in suits.’ I disagree. This stuff matters. We take people at face value every day. Your first reactions are probably right. If he wears a tank top,or flip flops in London or plaid shirts, it’s ok to swipe right. 

I don’t want to flatten people and take away their dimensions with too-swift criticism but these things are unforgivable.

Just take a look through the raft of Twitter comments about the app and I know I’m not the only one. There’s the endless male declaration ‘I’m competitive about everything’. There’s the downright rude. There’s the depressing algorithmic recommendations that suggest you are ‘most compatible’ with someone that couldn’t be less your type. There’s the continuous ghosting, and this goes both ways- sometimes people just give you the creeps after a few messages. It can be over nothing more than a word. Last week someone sent me a message saying ‘Austria is giggles’. And I couldn’t continue. A man who says ‘giggles’ just isn’t for me. ‘Drinkies’ is similarly not ok. 

And yet I’m still here- flicking away just to pass the time and locking in a pint with man #19 on boring Tuesday. Maybe in 2020 I’ll finally give up swiping altogether.